Upper Crust – Revenge for Imagined Slights

January 01, 1970

(Camp Street Records)




Doctor Johnson was,
as always, right when he observ’d: “Amongst the divers colonial Practitioners
of the rocque & roll Arts, the Upper Crust do
stand Periwig & brocaded Shoulders above their musickal Brethren, peerless
amongst their Peers, verily unsurpass’d in their dedication to the Riff &
in their Cultivation of the finest poetickal Language, not to mention their
patrician Breeding, sartorial Elegance & impeccably goode Manners.”


In Light of such an
extravagant & effusive Panegyric, it was with no small Pleasure that we
took Delivery of an Epistle — by Medium of the electrickal Post — apprizing
us of a brand-spanking new Record Album by the heretofore mention’d young
Gentlemen of the Upper Crust. Said Epistle, soliciting our Reflections &
Disquisitions upon this Item of Novelty, issu’d from the redoubtable Viscount
Frederick Mills of Asheville, Editor of the very Scandal Sheet upon whose Pages
your gentle Gaze now rests.


Having fortifi’d
ourselves with a generous Glass of Porter, we gave ourselves o’er to Revenge for Imagined Slights and to the
multitudinous aural Pleasures contain’d therein.


Legion are the
Members of the fourth Estate who chuse to opine most scurrilously upon the Debt
of the Upper Crust to colonial Rapscallions the AC/DC. Such libelous &
calumnious Falsehood is worthy only of severe Disapprobation & Rebuke. The
Truth of the Matter, we are reliably inform’d, is that subsequent to his
Deportation Order and whilst awaiting Transportation to Botany Bay, Master
Ronald Belford “Bon” Scott did chance upon the Musick of the Upper
Crust, which he thenceforth usurp’d for his own Ends.


Discoursing upon the
poetickal Arts, the venerable Horace insisted upon the Necessity to instruct & delight in commensurate Measure. Such sage Counsel yields a goode
& sound critickal Criterion with which to reckon the aesthetickal Virtues
of this Record Album.


As to the first
Principle, one cannot but delight in the divers aural Pleasures so generously
administered by these pueri mirabilis. Electrickal
Guitarists Lord Bendover & the Duc d’Istortion disport gaily, assailing
one’s Ears with Riffs of a bellicose Heft unparallel’d since Colonel Clive
prevail’d ‘gainst the Bengali at the Battle of Plassey; &
neither are their electrickal Guitar Solos of trifling Import: shewing the
dainty Intricacy & outrageous Flamboyance of the choicest French
Costumerie, the Duo soar like paired raptor Birds far above the foul &
pestilent mobile vulgus. Moreover,
Mister Jackie Kickassis summons the Entirety of his virtuosic martial Weight to
bear down upon his Instrument, sallying forth with a Cannonade of Drums akin to
that which was heard when the Eighth Regiment of his Majesty’s Army march’d
victoriously on the Field at Culloden. Furthermore, beneath the lithe, febrile
Fingers of the Count Bassie, the Strings of the electrickal Bass acquire the
Girth & Elasticity of the fearsome Sumatran Python.


We are also impell’d
to marvel at the Refinement and Bedazzl’ment of the Poesy herein. Wielding
Words as does a Chirurgeon his Blade upon a diseas’d Organ or a gangrenous
Member, the Upper Crust fashion
eviscerating Satire to rival that of Mister Swift. Moreover, the unbridl’d drollery
of certain Ballads minds us of the ribald comedic
Oeuvre of the late Mister
Wycherley. Furthermore, the great Attic Tragedies hold not a Candle to the
emotive Potentialities of the dramatick Scenari, which would wrench a Catharsis
of delicate & sympathetick Sentiment from the Breast of e’en the most
brutish Peasant.


And all this, dear
Listener, deliver’d in Voices worthy of the most angelick Quire.


But beyond this
veritable Menagry of aural Delights, in which Matters doth this Record Album instruct us?


We are inform’d, not
the once but twice (“Wine Women and Song” & “Rococo”),
of the Pleasures & Perils of the masqu’d Ball, with especial Attention to
the possibility of engaging, unbeknownst, in terribly lewd Behaviour with one’s
own mater familias; “Long Table
for Two” shews us that the Duc D’Istortion, contrary to our Expectations
of the continental Gentry, is most misfortunate in his amorous Pursuits;
“Hereditary Insanity” & “Bedlam” advize us as to the
Hazards of In-breeding so common to the privileged Classes; & although we
are in no Need of reminding, we learn that the Upper Crust are indeed of noble
Stock — the composition “Class up the Ass” leaves no Doubt as to
this Matter.


Especial Note should
be made of two plenteously congenial Ditties: the rambunctious & uproarious
“Bedlam” evinces Kinship with the finest Juvenilia of the Motörhead;
& “Chateauneuf-du-Pop,” moving at a Velocity to rival the
ingenious Mister Watt’s new steam Engine, strikes a decidedly more modish Note,
imbibing the Influence of that most ungentlemanly colonial puncque rocque
Troupe, the Ramones.


In summary, Revenge for Imagined Slights is a Record
Album of the first Quality. If, as the Bard has noted, Musick be the Food of
Love, then the Upper Crust enjoin their serving Wenches in the Delivery of a
sumptuous Banquet of aural Delights.


It has been an
Honour, if not a Privilege, to discourse herein upon the Subject of the Upper


I remain, with great
Respect and Esteem, &c.




Standout Tracks: “Long Table for Two,”
“Rococo,” “Class up the Ass” WILSON NEATE




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