Worst Lana Del Rey Commentary… Ever!

Lana Del Rey


“Assigned narratives,” “aesthetic correspondences,” “smark [sic] fans” and more typical Village Voice sub-Marcusian blather helps elevate the pouty pop icon to Smurf-dom. But what’s worse — our 11-year old perspective or theirs, hmmm?

By Barbi Martinez

My editor hates me. He [She, actually. — Gender Bending Ed.] told me to write something about Lana Del Rey, claiming, “We need some goddam eyes, and all those Tom Petty and Led Zeppelin news pieces ain’t cutting it.” But even though he [She. —GBE] is breathing down my neck, I want to state for the record that I LOVE, L-U-V, Lana Del Rey. I would have a pole dancing contest with her, anytime, anyplace. Or at least a karaoke throw-down.

So: please turn your eyes to this ridiculous review (term used loosely) of Lana Del Rey, which hails from the Village Voice’s typical jaded-hipster-poison-pen viewpoint, this time around forced upon the gloppy, Technicolor likes of Shawn Michaels (who?). Aside from the relentless use of the term “smark” and its derivations—since when does a deliberate misspelling become a codeword? oh wait, the Voice still lets its writers use the term “nigga” when placed in quotes or italics, never mind—we get such blather as this none-too-pithy passage:


“There are a lot of aesthetic correspondences. Much of the WWE roster seem like they could be cast as love interests in Del Rey music videos, and I’m sure Lana romanticizes the golden days of pro wrestling just like she does with every piece of bygone Americana. But they share a core philosophy too. In wrestling there are “mark” fans, and there are “smark” fans. Marks are the dying breed of people who believe everything in wrestling to be the cold, hard truth. Right now they’re reeling from that horrifying Shield breakup and cursing Triple H’s name.

“In this day and age, this demographic is mostly reserved for 11 year olds. The much more common smarks are people who enjoy wrestling for its unique combination of athleticism, storytelling, and mic-work. There are few things more enjoyable then watching a perfectly executed match, or seeing the company push an under appreciated talent into title-contention. Smark fans aren’t cursing Triple H’s name, they’re instead interrogating his selflessness in putting over younger guys like The Shield and Daniel Bryan so thoroughly. Similarly, there are mark Lana fans and smark Lana fans.”


Did you get all that? Yeah, me too… zzzz… sorry, drifted off. I would propose, then, that there are, similarly, Nerf Village Voice writers, and Smurf Village Voice writers, the distinction being small, but telling: the former bounce around, harming nothing, and eliciting not much either; while the latter are annoying little blue things that you wanna smack or smash upon sight (or at very least, hold down forcefully and force a rolled up copy of the newspaper into their gaping rectum).

I can’t believe I wrote the term “gaping rectum.” Clearly I have been at BLURT for too long [Less than 6 months, Barbi. – Accountant Ed.] Is it too late to join the Lana Del Rey Friends Club?I will be 11 next month… squeal!


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