The stuff you gotta get. Because we say so.
BY RANDY HARWARD
Iggy Pop Bobblehead ($24.95)
A graven image of Iggy Pop? Let’s all genuflect our asses off in unison – commence the altar construction! This numbered, limited, 7” tall, polyresin bobblehead from Drastic Plastic Records is a real wild one. The punk rock legend’s likeness is solid, down to the leathery countenance and chest, weathered blue jeans and cocked hip. Buy it and worship freely. (pictured above, natch)
From Here to Funkfinity
Pigtronix Mothership Analog Synthesizer ($675)
Your first stompbox is a toy; your first Pigtronix effect is more than something that makes your guitar sound like a spaceship. The Mothership has an eight-octave range and three sound processors. The VCO (voltage-controlled oscillator) puts out square and triangle waves and (with optional expression pedal) analog whammy. The sub-octave generator provides big bottom, and an intelligent ring modulator with pitch tracking works alone or with the glide and whammy. Compatible with guitar/bass/horns/vocals, the Mothership presents limitless possibilities.
Do you, like Blurt, suffer from patchy facial hair growth and no hipster chick or beard band will accept you? Does your skin dry out in winter? Were you disfigured in an accident? Try BEARDO! A knitted winter hat with a detachable beard is made from 100% acrylic yarn, the Beardo will warm your mug throughout the cold months – great for die-heard disc golfers or snowboarders – and conceal your hideous imperfections.
Liquid Ass ($9)
This prank fart spray is no joke. Liquid Ass smells like unwashed, marooned-on-an-island-for-months, stank, festering b-hole. Its cousin TexAss starts off smelling like someone’s smokin’ a brisket, then – surprise! – same stench. Its other cousin Barfume is a disturbingly accurate facsimile of actual emesis. All come in mister or streamer bottles and can be accessorized with Premium Fake Human Turd With Corn ($12). Be judicious in using Liquid Ass because collateral damage happens.
This Speakerboxxx Roxxx
The Phoenix Wireless Bluetooth Speaker ($100)
Buying portable speakers is dicey. Blurt owns a pile of devices, all claiming to pump out the jams better than their rivals – mostly sound and fury signifying crap. If they’re not tinny from the get-go, they’re easily blown. Or the battery life sucks. Or they plain don’t work. The Phoenix rises above. Its small size (about 3x3x3 inches), a 30-35 foot wireless Bluetooth range, iPhone and Spotify compatibility, eight-hour 850 mAh battery and big bi-directional sound, the Phoenix is everything we’ve ever wanted in a portable speaker.
Stance Socks ($6-30)
Socks is socks, innit? Variety and cool designs just make ‘em harder to match up, assuming they survive the dryer. Then again, there’s a way to improve on most things and Stance figured out how to make super-socks. With six different collections – Premium, Casual, Art, Performance, Snow and Kids – encompassing umpteen designs, there’s ridiculous diversity, arch support, treads and mesh venting. Can feet get aroused?
Tucson Tamale Company ($36/sampler)
It takes practice and skill to get these husk-wrapped bundles of joy right. The Tucson Tamale Company has these tasty treats down to a science. They’re as faithful as monks when it comes to their craft, putting tamales on a pedestal while applying a unique and creative spin. The variety is staggering and subject to change; too much to describe here, but know this: You’ve never had tamales like these – and you’ll want more. P.s. Try the dessert tamales (pumpkin, chocolate cherry). Urp.
87 Bazillion Fun
Borderlands 2 (2K/Gearbox)
The sequel to 2009’s breakout hit shooter/RPG wastelander, Borderlands 2 has a meaty story, wacky dialogue and situations, kickass action, bounteous loot – “87 bazillion guns,” as they say – and multiplayer madness. What’s new this time around? Even crisper cel-shaded graphics, new characters (like Salvador the Gunzerker and Zero the Assassin) and a downloadable fifth character class (Gaige the Mechromancer). Sick, silly fun with massive replay value.