FAKE CD REVIEWS Mike Birbiglia

Don’t listen, be happy: reviews of
albums to which I have not listened…



BLURT knows better than anyone how the music press is
evolving — see: Black Crowes; Maxim mag;
fake review of Warpaint; journalist
David Peisner — so in an effort to
keep up with the big boys, we’re gonna try doing some of our reviews live
without a net—or actual music. Here to help out is comedian, fellow music geek
and Olive Garden Italian Mike Birbiglia, whose penetrating insights pierce even
the fabric of time. 


ZZ TOPEliminator (Collector’s Edition) (Rhino)
Eliminator follows on the heels of
ZZ’s multi-platinum album, Citation for Excessive Motorcycle Noise. Written
to be played at 2,000 decibels, Citation is blamed for causing deafness in hundreds of motorcycle gang members and
horniness in dozens of biker chicks. On Eliminator,
the boys have chosen to go in the same direction. Eliminating harmony, lyrics,
and musical instruments altogether, they just brought their motorcycles into
the recording studio and revved their engines for 53 minutes of bliss.  FOUR


COOLIOSteal Here (Super Cool) – The title of
Coolio’s latest release wastes no time in telling us that Coolio is “still
here” and he’s “still stealing.” With the album title, Coolio makes a conscious
effort not to break down racial stereotypes and prejudices people hold of hip
hop artists, but to strengthen them. Fortunately, he redeems himself on track
6, with “White People Steal Also.” You got that right, Coolio.  FOUR


NELLYBrass Knuckles (Universal) – A quick listen to Nelly’s new album reveals that Nelly may be
trying to reprise some of his classics. On “Still Hot in Here,” Nelly sings in
the perfect passive tense, “It’s still hot in here, so I’m glad you’ve taken
your clothes off.” On the track “The Other Nelly,” Nelly reveals that he’s hung
up on his identity, rapping, “No, you’re thinking of Nelly Furtado, I’d like a
Donut Chocolado.” Donut Chocolado indeed.  THREE


ALANIS MORISSETTEFlavors of Entanglement (Maverick/WBR)
– On Flavors, Alanis Morissette
resumes yelling where she left off last time. No subject is left unscathed; she
spews vitriol towards Dave Coulier, the green slime from You Can’t Do That on Television, The Wiggles, people who use the
EZ-Pass lane but don’t have the EZ-Pass, and those grocery stores that insist
that you carry their savings card on your keychain to get their best in-store
savings. On the title track Alanis fantasizes about doing it with those guys
dressed as fruit in the Fruit of the Loom commercials. Scrumptious!  FOUR


(Barsuk)This album is particularly difficult
for me to review, not only because I haven’t heard it, but because I am MySpace
friends with this band. You could say that I am now My-mates with the Mates of
State. If this album is anything like their other albums, it’s mind blowing and
spews awesome-fire.  A CONSTELLATION OF STARS



[Mike Birbiglia’s DVD, What I Should Have Said Was
Nothing (Shout! Factory), and CD, My
Secret Public Journal Live (Comedy Central Records), are out now. We have not listened to the latter, but trust us, it’s
mind blowing!]

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