Last week – days – of nail biting and
backbiting (an ongoing weekly summary of the presidential campaign).




Nov. 3,
2008 – You can vote however you like:
We just about made it, gang. Two
years closer to the grave, a billion bucks spent. (Couldn’t we have bailed out
a small bank in Cleveland
instead?) But it’s been fun, right? Though many of you are complaining of
election-coverage fatigue at this point, I’m not buying it. I suspect those who
wish it were over are Barack Obama supporters worried there’s still time for
the Democrats to blow it. (Who knows how many other alien aunts he’s got
donating illegally to his campaign?) McCain supporters, I’m quite sure, would
be just fine with this thing dragging on another week or two.


Tomorrow’s Election Day, and I promise I haven’t peeked
inside the envelope. I am an Obama supporter, and I pick Obama to win. I hope
my preference doesn’t color my prognostication, but regardless, I’ll say his
margin of victory will be six points, he will get his 50 percent mandate, and
his Electoral College total will be in the mid-300s. Florida
will go his way, as will Ohio,  Colorado, Virginia, New Hampshire,
North Carolina, Pennsylvania,
New Mexico and Nevada. It will be the biggest blowout since
Reagan/Mondale, and drunk, gleeful partisans will be breaking windows and
tearing down stoplights until the wee hours, a la those wacky Phillies phans.


Obama won’t win Montana, North Dakota, Arizona or
Georgia, and the Peach state
Democrat senate nominee Jim Martin won’t win either, stranding the donkeys at
59 senate seats after Al Franken pulls it out against Norm Coleman in Minnesota. In the house,
the Dems will win every single race, giving them a 435-0 superduper-majority.
(As you can see, I know nothing about house races and don’t think anyone much cares
about that lesser chamber anyway, so long as their team’s in control.)


As I’ve said before, I believe black
turnout will surpass the Democrats’ wildest dreams, and Obama’s vote total will
obliterate John Kerry’s. McCain’s people, meanwhile, will roughly equal Bush’s
(quite substantial and organized) turnout of 2004. The insane number of folks
in line to vote will cause chaos; expect governors to extend voting hours in
urban centers, causing Sean Hannity to wet his pants. People will mainly vote
along partisan lines — I am quite suspicious of the Conservatives and Rednecks for Obama phenomena – but expect
the hungry Dems to turn out en masse.


Historically, high turnout has favored the Democrats, and most
everyone I’ve encountered in recent weeks is buzzing about the election. Even
at the White
Lion concert
in Clifton,
New Jersey over the weekend, lead
singer Mike Tramp (a Dane), implored the crowd not to forget to vote. This was shortly
after singing the band’s late ‘80s hair metal power ballad classic, “When The
Children Cry,” which contains the lyric: “No more presidents/ and all the wars
will end/ one united world/ under God.”


Even though I live in said uncontested garden state, I plan
to wait an hour in line if I have to, just to be able to “say” I voted for
Obama like old timers do of JFK. (Of course, in surveys some 90 percent claim
they pulled John’s lever in that very close 1960 election against Nixon, but
never mind that.) There is no doubt this has been an historic campaign, and if
Obama wins it’ll be a serious tell-the-grandkids-I-was-there moment. [We’re with you on that, Ben. – Eds.] So ready the champagne, check your mail
for that rebate check, and prepare to stop lying about your American
citizenship when you travel abroad.


But a word of advice to libs – if he loses, or if – God
forbid – another Democrat loses a presidential election in your lifetime, don’t
say you’re moving to Canada. That’s a lie and it makes you sounds like a
zealous idiot. Alec Baldwin is still here, and you will be too. Remember,
people who vote for Republicans are not bad people, and they’re not (on
average) any dumber than we are.


If you need some inspiration, watch these adorable kids adorably sing
this adorable song
. And remember, like Obama, liberals are open-minded
people, they embrace everyone, and – most importantly – they stay cool. 



Bridge To Somewhere Week 4: Show-Us, Obama 

Bridge To
Somewhere Week 3: Joe the Gay Porn Star

Bridge To
Somewhere Week 2: Something in the Ayers

Bridge To
Somewhere Week 1:Dizzy with spin



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