LOOK AT LIFE / COCO HAMES

In which The Ettes’ frontwoman gets in the
final word. Hello, Miami
Herald!

 

By Coco
Hames

 

Despite the myth of
tryptophan leading to excessive sleepiness having been debunked — and despite
the fact that I’m vegan anyway — the goon at the Miami Herald’s blog seems to think he can skewer the Ettes as being tour
flakes who don’t know how long the State of Florida is.  Considering I was born and
raised there, and Poni and Jem both lived for long stints in the Miami area (one Google
can tell you that, guy) we’re all well aware of the distance between
cities.  Another quick Google search might suggest to you the constant
touring, both in the US and abroad, the Ettes have done in the past 7 (that’s
seven) years.

 

And while it’s a bit
more fun and reads WAY cooler to cite an imaginary “arrest” or a
faked “drug overdose” (you know who you are) there might actually,
really, in the world of both the human and the professional and touring rocker,
be a “family emergency”.  Because we don’t lie to our fans and
because we always make up any missed shows (of which there are blissfully few)
we told you the truth.  And you, Miami
Crybaby
, spew bitter nonsense in response.  You got one thing right:
the Ettes do have the best singer.  And she’s not impressed with you.

What is wrong with you?  Are you mad because you wanted to see our
show?  Are you pissed because Miami is so
far down America’s
wang that so few artists you want to see actually make the drive?  Because
if so, I get it.  You even state in your “article” that I get
it.  I had to drive nearly every weekend to Atlanta
or Athens (at LEAST to Gainesville) when I was in high school, just
to see a rock show.  Because nobody ever came down!  It sucked! 
But considering I booked the motherfucker, I think you should reconsider your
incorrect stance that I just think Florida is “the land of the ’90s”
(first, turn on your fucking radio station and argue with me; and second,
Florida IS the land of MY ’90s, fact) and settle down.  You’re barking up
the wrong tree and you don’t mean it.

And also, BUUUGHH you’re clearly one of those people who went on A [you
don’t even own A gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate a gun
rack] tour run and think you know EVERYTHING about it.  Look at YOU! 
Oooh and with an ELDERLY rocker, to boot!  Oooh lemme cite my tour with
Sky Saxon then!  Or wait, Radio Birdman!  Oh wait, no, I was actually
PLAYING those shows…  You people are TOO common, and TOO
exhausting. 

 

I’m glad for your experience,
but you looked through a window, friendo, you don’t live it.  I DO live
it, and I LIKE it, that’s why I do what I do.  Fancy booking agency…
what is this?  Who ARE you?  Oh never mind who you are, I’m not
interested.  Just, for your sake, get your facts straight before you
prattle on like a monkey in a tree, you sound like an idiot who got a B+ in
writing at school, got in a bad enough mood to type at your computer (how many
proofreads did you do?  Bet it took you at least 45 minutes!), and who’s
simply burned by the fact that you wanted to see us (thank you) but couldn’t
(sorry).

See you soon, Miami. 
Thank you for all the well-wishes from people who actually care about the band
and who know we’ll be back.  And Herald Blogger, I agree that “family emergency” is too vague and blanket a
statement, so I won’t take it personally that you don’t know what you’re
talking about.

Constant vigilance,

Coco Motion
The Ettes

 

 

***

 

Blurt “co-co-editor”
and advice columnist Coco Hames fronts The
Ettes, which include Jem on bass, Poni on drums and Johnny on guitar. Their
Greg Cartwright-produced album
Do You Want Power arrived in stores last fall, their music was featured in the Drew
Barrymore-directed film
Whip It. They’re
currently working on their fourth full-length and additionally released a new
collaboration with Cartwright called The Parting Gifts this fall. For music,
tour dates and details, check out the band at the MySpace page and the official
website.

 

 [Photo credit: Marc Averette, via Wikimedia Creative Commons]

 

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