Carrie Prejean: A Love Letter

Carrie Prejean is just what the Republican party needs and I love her for it. Mind you, this isn’t puppy love. This is an unabashed, honest-to-God, slap-me-I’m-seeing-fireworks-kind of love. Where do I begin? That flowing mane, those vixenish blue eyes, fluid hips (more on those in a second) and that fearless intellect of hers. After all, it’s about time we had somebody speak their mind under the Miss America stagelights–no more of the usual “I-just-want-world-peace-and-to-teach-the-illiterate children-of-the-world-how-to-read-the-bible” pap from Prejean. She spoke from her heart (or at least something resembling a heart–at press time, we’re not able to confirm its existence). And although she’s now a disgraced former beauty queen, her popularity (and my love of all things Prejean) continue to grow exponentially. 


The news last week of the leaking of several sex tapes have led to further controversy. Said tapes reportedly have Prejean in sizzling solo bedroom performances–with Lee Greenwood’s searing “Proud to Be An American” as musical accompaniment–each of which end in crescendos that would move any real American who chooses to watch. These private recorded moments portray a woman’s love for her man (whom they were clearly intended) and the freedom she has to record them in The Only Country That Matters. Unlike those Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian sex tapes, where the sex is hedonistic, dispassionate and clearly immoral, Prejean’s celluloid debut should reaffirm her allegiance to God, Country, and No Gay Marriage. 


Clearly, the Republican Party needs their own Paris Hilton (who, when contacted for this story, wasn’t familiar with the term “Republican”, but did perk up at hearing the word “Party”). Having their own sex tape celebrity could potentially elevate their image with the college-age fence-sitters afraid of the parties extreme right wing. Look, if the Elephants in the room were to ask me, I’d say allow heavyweight porn distributor Vivid to release the tapes and let the world see what a red-blooded American girl is capable of when she puts her, um, mind to it. Why not drape Carrie in an American flag on the DVD cover, and pass them out free at every Tea Party event from Bakersfield to Birmingham? 


With each passing day, my hope for Prejean’s popularity and further ascent into the ranks of fellow A-list conservative celebrities like Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, Meghan McCain, Jessica Simpson and Wilford Brimley stays strong. After all, a woman is only as good as the company she keeps, right? Carrie, I love you–and all of the embarrassment you bring to the party that wanted nothing more than to make you one of their own. And I love you most of all for offering them more of what they know best–shame.

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