Hungover and shoppin’
with Thoroughly Modern Minnie.
By Coco Hames
I don’t know how I could get so
drunk sipping wine with civilized adults at Jem’s dad’s 60th birthday party in California.
Everything is fine, I am behaving and engaging in fine, normal
conversation with the elderly, and then, bam. Black-out drunk. I
woke up on the couch. Not where I belong. I am hungry, but all
I can do is scowl at the refrigerator, and think vaguely of fish tacos. I
had some Sprite and am now fadoodling around the Internet, Googling Macau, and
Pretendshopping is going on fancy websites and selecting everything I think should be in my wardrobe. If I had a wardrobe, that is, and not a battered rolling suitcase which acts ascloset, medicine cabinet, library and general store (Oxford commas… I don’t use them, I don’t think).
One time I so thoroughly pretend shopped that the total was $22,000.
It was a lot of stuff, but stuff I’d use. Really good boots, high
quality sweaters, etc. And then, you know, a puce Alexander McQueen ball
gown fashioned entirely out of feathers.
I do not enjoy shopping, as in
regular-style shopping, as in going to the mall or trying on clothes. I
get VERY tired, very quickly. I am far too sensitive for shopping.
All the marketing ads, the colors, the shapes, the chaos. Pass.
I do my shopping safely from my computer. And then, bonus, stuff
arrives in the mail for me! Christmas!
There is a song that always pops
into my head when I must consider replacing worn out sailor shirts and ripped
up jeans. I’m pretty sure the song is called “Shoppin'” but
I’ll have to look it up. It’s from 1987’s Totally Minnie, a piece I remember being a television special?
Not a movie, not a series, just a one-off Disney thing? I guess
it’s pretty obscure, but I think I remember owning a VHS copy of it? Or
one that we’d taped from TV? Here’s what I remember: the main character
is the lead nerd guy from Revenge of the
Nerds, Susanne Somers is involved, and Elton John does “Don’t Go
Breakin’ My Heart” with an animated Minnie Mouse.
Here is how Totally Minnie writer Joie Albrecht describes it on imdb.com:
“This live action film features a Nerd who, in
desperation, goes to the “Minnie
for the totally un-hip”. There he learns how to dress, dance, and most
importantly – be himself. The film features an original music video with Minnie
Mouse, in new animation, integrated into live action footage with Elton John
singing “Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart.”
Anyway, the number that goes
down in “Shoppin'” (which I’m watching on YouTube right now) is
exactly how I feel if I ever have to go shopping. Insane. Stuff and
stuff and crazy girls going crazy everywhere. And the song, by the way,
makes no sense to me. It didn’t in 1987, and it doesn’t now. Not
lyrically, not musically, not structurally, no way, no how.
“Shoppin'” helped me learn how to shop like “Donald in
Mathmagicland” helped me learn math. In that, it didn’t. At
Interesting piece of
trivia: It was during the recording session of this special that Wayne
Allwine (Mickey’s official voice since 1983) met his wife, Russi
Taylor (Minnie’s official voice since 1985). That’s cute and you
know it. Aw, Wayne Allwine passed away just recently, in May. R.I.P.
and sincere condolences to Russi. Oh my God, Russi and I have the same
birthday! And Wayne’s
is the same as my mom’s!
Now I’m just clicking on
everyone who was in Totally Minnie.
People are so weird. People, not me. This is a perfectly
acceptable way to fight a hangover, a completely reasonable expenditure of my
Coco Hames fronts The Ettes – Hames on guitar, Jem Cohen on bass and Poni
Silver on drums – whose album Look At Life Again Soon and EP, Danger Is, were released by Take Root. Their new Greg Cartwright-produced album Do
You Want Power hits stores Sept. 29, and
you bet we’re gonna have a big feature on the band in our next issue!