Winehouse Resolves No Drugs for ’09!

Also discloses that
“dog” spelled backwards is God!

 

By Fred Mills

 

Good Monday morning to you. Scanning the British music news
headlines, we find this tantalizing tidbit, courtesy News of the World: tattooed crack fiend Amy Winehouse has declared
that she’s started the new year off completely free of drugs.

 

“I’ve finally escaped from hell,” Winehouse told a reporter.
“I’m in love again and I don’t need drugs. Look at me, I’m glowing!… I can
definitely say I AM off the drugs. I haven’t touched anything since I arrived
and I feel the best I have in years.”

 

The “glowing” part, Winehouse further disclosed, had to do
with her meeting a new boyfriend, Josh Bowman, while on vacation in St. Lucia,
where the interview took place. Apparently the pair had just had sex, and
Winehouse, fueled by Marlboro Lights and what the article describes as “a never
ending flow of lethal flame-red strawberry daiquiris,” took great delight in
outlining Bowman’s prowess while denigrating her estranged husband Blake’s (“he
was rubbish in bed”).

 

Wow. TMI! Read the entire interview if you dare (there’s
exclusive video footage as well), but you might lose your breakfast, so best to
do read it in the john. In fact, Winehouse appears to be prompting a fair
amount of stomach churning at the exclusive resort she’s been staying at, as evidenced
by these quotes the reporter obtained from another guest:

 

“I’ve been here two weeks and every day I pray she’s gone home. But then you
see her crawling out of her room looking a total mess and think, ‘Here we go
again.’ She’s just allowed to run riot. She dresses like a cross between a
tramp and a prostitute and I’ve never once seen her wear any shoes for dinner.
She’s just out of control. Our peaceful break has been ruined by her.

 

“Every night we go to the piano bar and the professional player can’t
entertain us because Amy’s taken over. And she can’t even play. She just jabs
at odd notes and is usually so drunk she can barely hold a note. If I have to
listen to her do Puppy Love again I think I’ll kill her. The first day I
thought it was quite exciting having a celebrity there-but believe me, the
novelty soon wears off. I can’t for a minute understand what that handsome
well-spoken boy is doing with her.”

 

Er, three guesses what Bowman is doing with her, and why he’s doing it!

 

 

 

 

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