COBRA VERDE, PUTA MADRE: Sundance

 

 

Blurt’s sleuthy
sources dish on Sundance 2009 buzz flicks.

By RANDY HARWARD

 

It’s January in Salt Lake City, Utah. Wafting off the
Wasatch Mountains, from a crevice called Parley’s Canyon that leads to Park
City, is an enticing bouquet of hope, desperation, delusion and pretension… or
maybe it’s just Axe™ body spray and swag bag perfume samples. It’s time again
for the Sundance Film Festival, a veritable three-ring circus of the stars,
where films are made and broken, and stiff smiles and firm handshakes—in even
firmer, newly purchased ski gloves—are exchanged. Here’s a peek at what Blurt’s shadowy sources say will be the
talk of Park City next week.

 

 

Cobra Verde, Puta Madre

Quentin Tarantino
presents this grindhouse-meets-arthouse film in which Klaus Kinski and Cheech
Marin play an odd couple who run a temp staffing agency as a front for their
private investigation business. When a tile setter goes rogue and starts taking
side jobs, Kinski and Marin set out to teach the fucker a lesson, only to learn
a little something themselves—from a Zen Dadaist who calls himself The Last
Slice of Pizza. (R, 87 minutes, dir: Werner Jodorowsky)

 

 

Anything is Popsicle

A young music
blogger with a Jew-fro (Napoleon Dynamite’s Jon Heder) gets a once-in-a-lifetime
chance to write a cover story for a national magazine but clashes with his
editor, who requests numerous rewrites and refuses to let the young scribe use
his affliction—malapropism—as an excuse. A subplot follows a mother-daughter rock
crit/groupie team that gets interviews via unscrupulous front-row slurping. (R,
101 minutes, dir: Charlie Kaufman)

 

Excreted

From the producers
of An American Carol and Expelled comes a film about how we all
came from Ben Stein’s droning anus. (PG-13, 61 minutes, dir: Alan Smithee)

 

 

Itty Bitty Titty Kumite

Loosely based on Joe
R. Lansdale’s
short story The Pit.
Four flat-chested barely-legals and their chaperone (Kate Hudson) on a
post-high school trip to Alabama take a wrong turn and are abducted by a
snake-handling preacher who forces them to fight each other in underground,
to-the-death cage matches. Hudson falls for a toothless Cajun with literary
aspirations while the girls come to grips with their heterosexuality. (R, 89
minutes, dir: Harmony Korine)

 

Our Band Could Fuck Your Wife…
If You Enroll In Our Super Special VIP Fan Club

Exploring the
phenomenon of VIP fan clubs, in which fans pay money for the privilege to pay
even more money for VIP ticket packages, worthless tchotchkes and maybe/maybe-not
backstage meet-and-greets. It doesn’t stop there: Our Band…reveals that some artists—such as kabuki-rockers KISS—plan
to take the fleecing to ridiculous levels. (NC-17, 78 minutes, dir: Miranda
Azerrad-Meltzer)

 

Doll Farts: The Ringer 2

Penniless and even
more desperate, Courtney Love (Courtney Love) blows an appellate court judge
and wins the right to replace Kurt Cobain (played in flashbacks by Kurt
Cobain’s exhumed skeleton) in Nirvana. Remaining members Dave Grohl (Aziz
Ansari) and Krist Novoselic (Aaron Eckhart) figure “fuck it” and allow the
hijinks to ensue, hoping that by the end of the band’s second meteoric rise to
fame, Love will blow her head off, too. (R, 114 minutes, dir: Benjamin
Silverman for Reveille Productions)

 

Pop Rocks

Popstar puppy mill Disney
answers Before the Music Dies with an
apologist documentary about the New Bubblegum, the cloying yet flavorless style
of pop music where a pretty face is all you need. Miley Cyrus, the Jonas
Brothers and Demi Lovato argue for the fair use of Auto-Tune, with Cyrus
paraphrasing the famous Elvis quote about her McMusic: “Like, 50 billion Cyrus
fans can’t all be tone-deaf.”

Each screening to be
preceded by the short film Hannah
Mantegna
, in which character actor Joe Mantegna plays a cross-dressing
tribute performer with a stutter. (PG, 90 minutes, dir: Walt Disney’s frozen
head)

 

 

 

 

Wigger

Melvin Van Peebles (Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song)
directs this tale of a twenty-year-old, rail-thin, albino Jiffy Lube employee
in suburban Utah that experiences a downward spiral when his rims are stolen
from his Datsun B210 Wagon, his own mother calls him a wigger and kicks his
ass, and Soulja Boy’s career tanks. (Unrated, 79 minutes, dir: Melvin Van
Peebles)

 

 

Just a Juggalo

The tagline for this
horror show is “They’re dumb… and they’ve come (for handouts).” Forget Jimmy
Buffett’s “Parrotheads” and David Archuleta’s “Archies”: Insane Clown Posse’s
“Juggalos” are most devoted (and retarded) fans of all—and they’re breeding. Juggalo
Julz (The Sopranos’ Aida Turturro) is
a heavyweight Juggalette [Editor’s Note: Redundancy?]
whose favorite pastime, other than being a Juggalo—is washing down Xanax with
beer. Julz discovers she’s pregnant on Valentine’s Day and delivers on Mother’s
Day. When the baby—named Annabelle Lotus after ICP side project Dark Lotus—dies
after only 13 minutes, she gives her “little Ninjette” an ICP-themed funeral… then blames the doctors and calls ICP’s
WFuckOff Radio to announce the news—and use it as leverage when she complains about not receiving
promised swag
. Based on a true story. Seriously… we couldn’t make this shit up. (NC-17, 105 minutes, dir: Jorg
Buttgereit)


 

 

 

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