Hey, see what you miss
by not checking out celebrity new on weekends?
By Blurt Staff
First, an apology: We apologize for occasionally frequenting
tabloids’ websites. But, hey, we’re so used to standing in the checkout line at
the local Bi-Lo waiting to have our groceries, beer and smokes rung up while we
glom the latest celeb trash update that we can’t help peeking at the overseas
online tabloid milieu, too, just to find out who on the other side of the pond playing
the Peruvian marching dance, who’s
headed to rehab, what star has a simmering beef with some other star, who’s
been adopting the proverbial “wide stance” in the public bathrooms, and of
course what public figures have been getting the most trim.
We’re exhausted just typing that last paragraph. So let’s
cut to the chase: Amy Winehouse, according to a report in the most recent News Of The World, has apparently
declared her marrage to the recently-released-from-the-slammer Blake
Fielder-Civil to be over. Kaput. Pushing up daisies. Singing with the choir
invisible. A dead parrot, er, union.
“It’s over,” Winehouse was attributed as saying to friends/associates (note
that these quotes are not culled from official, on-the-record interviews, but from
the proverbial “sources” that tabloids rely so heavily on). “There’s no way
back for us now. It was never going to last. We were only together for SEX. I
fancied him like mad, like no one else I’ve ever known. But it’s not enough, is
No, no, Amy, it’s not. It’s never enough, in fact. First, there’s love, then
there’s marriage, and then there’s the fucking baby carriage. Your as-yet-unborn
crack kid thanks you for the latter part remaining unresolved with Blake.
For the rest of you, if you want to read about (we quote directly from the
news report here, including the capitalization), Winehouse’s man’s reported
obsession with model Sophie Schandorff, stuff regarding a “wild sex life,”
drugs and “kinky stuff,” “a string of female lovers” and “LESBIAN ROMPS and
sordid THREESOMES,” click on the provided link.
Wow, who writes this crap. (Waitaminnit… we just did…)
Just make sure you don’t get distracted by the stuff on the right-hand side
of the page – you know, the stories about “Church Girl Is Porn Star,” “Sex: I
Have 200 Orgasms A Day” and “Hookers Tell About Millionaire Stars” and other, uh, stuff. Come to think of it,
though – beats the hell out of standing in line at Bi-Lo…
These are hookers, not Amy and Blake: