Hot Lixx Hulahan Is US Air Guitar Champ

 

Knocks defending champ William Ocean’s
dingdong in the dirt…

By Fred Mills

 

Looks like that dumbass feature
in USA Today didn’t do much to help William Ocean hold on to his crown in the US Air
Guitar Championships. While Defending Champion Ocean
was busy having his knob polished by the daily rag’s staff of puff-piece
profilers, the mighty Hot Lixx Hulahan was waxing his axe all the way to the
finish line at the San Francisco
finals. Hulanhan will be representing the good ol’ You Ess of Aye in Oulu, Finland,
Aug. 20-22 when the World Air Guitar Championships take place.

 

Here’s the blow-by-blow wrap
up of the US
event, courtesy the good folks at the US Air Guitar Championship organization.
You can also check out video highlights at the official site at www.usairguitar.com ….

 

***

 

It was the morning of AUGUST 8th, 2008. The city of SAN FRANCISCO was crisp
but peaceful. In the Grand Ballroom, it was business as usual. Little did
anyone know… All the buzz, all the hype, all the warnings surrounding the
2008 Cuervo Black US Air Guitar Championships,
Presented By TouchTunes
, could not have prepared the City
by the Bay for what was about to transpire. All the while, US Air Guitar was
getting ready to Stryke (sic).

 

The math is simple really: 10 returning Finalists, 3 former
US Champions, 1 Air Guitar Hall of Famer – in addition to the best crop of
Rated Rookies in Air Guitar history – set the stage for 1 Star-Spangled Air Guitar
extrava-hemoth. In all, 25 contestants had waited 12 long months for their 60
seconds of rock and roll glory. 1,500 ticket holders, 3 judges, 2 mascots, 4
bars. Carry the 6, and this equation has only one correct answer: a million
thrills, spills, and one Fair
City plundered.

 

 

ROUND I

The first round was absolutely manic. Newcomer and San Francisco darling
AWESOME electrified the hometown crowd to earn a bid into Round 2. Hall of
Famer BIG RIG and twin brother STRYKER could not make it through, despite their
veteran status and matching Air Guitar logo tattoos, which they unveiled at the
pre-show press conference. McNALLICA did Boston
proud with a soul-shaking performance. The progressive SF audience could not
quite catch up with former US Champ THE ROCKNESS MONSTER’s slo-mo flow, which
doomed his chances in this, his final Air Guitar competition, in the wake of
his announcement that this marked the end of his illustrious competitive
career. Defending US Champion WILLIAM OCEAN overcame a few first round missteps
to get to the second round. The top score in the first round went to AIRISOL of
Minneapolis. An ex-gymnast, she wowed the crowd and the judges with a series of
flips and displayed the full capabilities of her seemingly rubber vertebrae.
Fake blood, confetti, bike shorts, back flips, a literal stage dive… We saw it
all. Or so we thought…

 

The much-ballyhooed HALFTIME show saw a showdown between the
new (but no less grizzled) US Air Guitar mascot Air Bear and newfound friend of
US Air Guitar, LOU SEAL, the official mascot for MLB’s San Francisco Giants.
This one-on-one bout was judged purely based on crowd reaction, and Lou quite
literally mopped the floor with poor Air Bear. The crowd was promptly rewarded
with vouchers for
‘Friends Only’ Giants tickets.

 

 

ROUND II

The compulsory round is where the Top Five took things to
a new level. Shreddy Mercury showed up bigger than the city lights in Times
Square, and William
Ocean pulled out his
patented surf-board and literally crowd-‘surfed.’ Awesome brought the thunder
(via his performance) and the lightning (shaved into his chest hair).

 

And then, air guitar as we know it changed forever.

Hometown hero (2006 San Francisco and US Air Guitar
Champion) Hot Lixx Hulahan added another ornament to his already decorated Air
Guitar oeuvre with a second-round performance that has to be seen to be
believed.

Mid-song, the San Francisco native ran back into the wings
(stage right), only to emerge at full-speed, jump off a monitor, and with no
regard for human life (his or anyone else’s) careen into the crowd via
front-flip somersault that landed him on an inflatable whale, which he rode
back on stage. He finished his set in perfect sync, which would have mattered
more if you could hear the music over the roar of the crowd, which was trying
to gather their breath, whereabouts, druthers, and whatever else, about them.
Judge Marc Hawthorne, music editor of the Onion, left his subversive headlines
at the door to bestow Hott Lixx with a 7.0 out of a possible 6.0 and the crown
of America’s
greatest Air Guitarist.

 

 

Final Scores (Round 1 + Round 2):
Compulsory song Black Sabbath ‘Crazy Train’

1. Hot Lixx Hulahan – DC, 35.3
2. Airosol – Minneapolis,
35.2

3. Awesome – San
Francisco, 34.6

4. McNallica – Boson, 34.4
5. Shreddy Mercury – New York, 33.9
6. William
Ocean – DEFENDING US
CHAMP, 33.5

 

 

2008 AIR GUITAR WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS

Like a polished diamond, the AGWC Network has grown and
prospered to a world-wide realm of 18 official AGWC countries. The crème de la
crème of Air Guitar competes in national championships before coming to Finland for the
battle of the best. One person is annually hailed as the Air Guitar World
Champion, the master of an invisible instrument. Countries registered to
compete in the 2008 Air Guitar World Championships include UNITED STATES,
CANADA, MEXICO, UNITED KINGDOM, NORWAY, GERMANY, NETHERLANDS, SWITZERLAND,
FRANCE, AUSTRIA, ITALY, SLOVENIA, CROATIA, GREECE, JAPAN, AUSTRALIA AND NEW
ZEALAND.

For the first time ever, a non-Finn will MC the event. US
Air Guitar is proud to announce that our very own BJORN TUROQUE is slotted as
this year’s Master of Ceremonies. We are just glad that there is no King, Lord,
or Emperor of Ceremonies to whom he could potentially come in second.

For More Information on the Air Guitar World
Championships, Visit:

 

www.airguitarworldchampionships.com

 

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