An Open Letter From Jack White About Guacamole Recipes

Jack White

 

 

Dear fellow members of the press: sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and a joke is just a joke. Love, Blurt

By Uncle Blurt

As you’ve probably heard by now, a mini-war of words has broken out between rocker Jack White and certain members of the press over recently leaked concert rider. As NPR reported this weekend, “when White’s personal preferences came to light, which includes chicken wings, fresh blackberries and assorted chocolates, one item that stood out was a very special guacamole recipe detailed by White’s handler and manager. Some have mocked the diva-like tone of the request.”

White issued a statement on the matter yesterday, and as you might imagine, he’s not particularly pleased about all this. Read the statement below; most likely you’ll agree with White that, yes, the press is all about those gotcha! moments and sometimes doesn’t “get” his sense of humor.

Following the open letter, check out the actual recipe. It is excellent, by the way, as the entire Blurt staff who sampled it this weekend agreed.

FOR GOD SAKES!

dear journalists and other people looking for drama or a diva,

even in the age of the short attention span internet article, it’s still hard to believe you

are STILL writing about this:

http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2015/02/15/386409331/for-musician-jack-white-any-old-guacamole-just-wont-do

 

wow.  classy.  

seems like there’s a new rule number one for up and coming journalists:  dont let the facts get in the way of click bait.

at the risk of incurring even more of this hoo haa (and i’ve definitely turned my cheek more than once lately) and even

though our management sent out a letter to clarify this, and since

this seems to be all anyone can ask me about lately,

here’s the real deal, and hopefully it’ll explain this nonsensical scenario and we can move on with our lives. (or what have you).

first off, this is none of your business, but i have no specific demands in my dressing room.  i know i could ask for lots of

things but i actually dont ask for ANYTHING.  i take with me what i need,

and that aint much. 

anything on the rider is for the band and the crew.

this “guacamole recipe” is my hilarious tour managers inside

joke with the local promoters, it’s his recipe, not mine.   it’s just something to break

up the boredom, seeing who can make it best.   though i wouldn’t

know because i’ve never had it.  i can’t even make kool aid

let alone cook any real food enough to have a “recipe”.  sorry, i dont have that talent.

bananas:  did it occur to anyone someone on the tour 

might have an allergy to them?  no?  hmmm.  one day some fantasy journalist out

there will call someone in the biz and actually have a rider explained to them, maybe

none of them have ever been on tour.  oh well, let’s move on,

first amendment issues:  i fully believe in the freedom of the press (though

the  supposed search for truth from the press requires microscopes and some morton salt), and i also defend anyone’s right

to free speech (just look at my lack of respect for grammar in this letter and tell me i’m not for communicating freely)

and i defend the right to free information in regards to public funds, but never in my 20 years of playing 

shows has my contract and tour rider been published in the paper that i recall.  

do you know why we dont do that or want that?  a hundred articles about bananas, free speech,  and guacamole is why;  

it’s because people dont understand what a rider is or what the terms of a contract are. they’re out of their element,

and you can’t blame them for it.  and people who write about that know this.   people WANT a rider to be a list of demands that

a diva insists occur lest he or she refuse to play a note of music.

but in reality, it’s just some food and drinks backstage for the

hundred workers and guests who have to live in a concrete

bunker for 15 hours. some people bring thier own living rooms on tour,

some people ask for a huge spread.  who cares?  what you’r looking for

is someone throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get their brown m and m’s,

sorry to dissappoint.

someone printed that i’m never going to oklahoma again?

not true.  i love oklahoma, that’s why i booked this show instead

of playing chicago or atlanta for four times as much money.

ask around in tulsa.  i’ve been

there at least three times on these last two albums.  i love it there.

our booking agent warned the college that other artists might

not book shows there?  of course they did, it’s bad business

what that school paper did and really rude.  of course they are going to tell them to wise up.

am i pissed at the students at oklahoma university?  absolutely not.  am i dissappointed in young  journalists at their school paper?

absolutely.  but i forgive them, they’re young and have learned

thier lesson about truth and ethics hopefully.  all they have to do is

google this to know that it’s not worth it.  look for real problems instead

next time. look for the truth, not fake drama.   i got pissed during my show and berated

the crowd?  no. sorry, didn’t happen.

i made jokes about the paper publishing that info, so which of us is thin skinned? 

they have freedom of speech but i dont?  at my show?   ok.   i guess the rules change for different

people.  the crowd were amazing and we played for 2 and a half hours that night.  

people were told to delete

photos on their camera? :  i dont know much about that but it must

be a miscommunication about what was

public property at the college and the contract we had with the university to

let us do our work in peace; but i’ll give you an example, 

if someone working at a theater we played at started taking pictures of all of

our workers and our gear they’d probably get fired by their theater or promoter.

sorry to the student paper budding press papparazi on that one, but is this a tmz assignment or can

you give us some peace while we try to put on a show for the students?   give us a break man.

i know it’s a fun thing for people to try to turn me into a jerk and a diva, but in

this case it’s pretty ridiculous and has almost nothing to do with me.  my relationship

with the fans at that show and how we got to a new place together through music remains intact

and i’d love to do it again with them.

 

i think that’s everything, can i go back to making music now?  no?  ok.  crochet it is.

 

jack white

III

Guac

The recipe:

 

  • 8 x large, ripe Haas avocados (cut in half the long way, remove the pit—SAVE THE PIT THOUGH—, and dice into large cubes with a butter knife. 3 or 4 slits down, 3 or 4 across. You’ll scoop out the chunks with a spoon, careful to maintain the avocado in fairly large chunks.)
  • 4 x vine-ripened tomatoes (diced)
  • 1/2 x yellow onion (finely chopped)
  • 1 x full bunch cilantro (chopped)
  • 4 x Serrano peppers (de-veined and chopped)
  • 1 x lime
  • Salt & pepper to taste

Mix all ingredients in a large bowl, careful not to mush the avocados too much. We want it chunky. Once properly mixed and tested, add the pits into the guacamole and even out the top with a spoon or spatula. Add 1/2 lime to the top later so you cover most of the surface with the juice (The pits and lime will keep it from browning prematurely.) Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until served. Please don’t make it too early before it’s served. We’d love to have it around 5 p.m.

 

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