Get a Henry Rollins Driving App (well…) for your GPS

Rollins

An idea that would have invented itself had not someone else invented it for us… In this instance, the punk satire site (see below) wins the official Douglas Adams Award for Invention & Writing!

By Uncle Blurt

Would YOU drop and give Rollins 20 if he demanded it? Of COURSE you would; no self-respecting rocker would even attempt to defy the erstwhile Black Flag/Rollins Band vocalist, at least not to his face. Now you can put that ethos into practice 9-5, or at least when you’re in your automobile, via the new RatsEye app for GPS. As TheHardTimes.net reports, the app “gives driving directions to your destination while also shouting knowledge gained from the relentless work ethic of Rollins’ legendary hardcore group, Black Flag. The band’s groundbreaking and hard touring schedule often took them on very nontraditional routes across the country, as the app will frequently remind you.”

Indeed, as anyone who spends even a little bit of time on our nation’s freeways each week, getting from point A to point B can frequently feel like you are engaged in my war and that you often just want to grab a hypo stuff with sedatives and slip in in so you can endure the drive. So this seems pretty timely.

HardTimes advises us that “While trying to drive from Los Angeles to Tucson, one user was directed to ‘Drive five miles to 7-11. Locate the nearest payphone and call Steve. Hopefully he’ll pick up and let you know where you need to be. Otherwise it’s just another overnight with Watt arguing about whatever bullshit he’s got up his ass this time.’ The app seems to be especially popular among millennial musicians who are looking to marry the modern conveniences of the digital age with the rugged authenticity of being an underground musician in the ’80s.”

Meanwhile, in the comments section, a reader calling himself “Tex Ramone” posted several anecdotes from using the app, including this one: “Take the onramp to eastbound I-10. Stay on eastbound I-10 for the next 23 miles. Arrive at your destination in 27 minutes. However I’m going to spend the next 93 minutes telling you about the time Ian MacKaye and I saw Led Zeppelin in 1979. Those pussies in Venom don’t know what real rock and roll is. Part animal. Part machine.”

Pure brilliance, lads! Pure clickbait, too!

Curiously, the BLURT auto department was unable to locate the aforementioned RatsEye app on the web, so just keep that in mind even though we are nowhere near April 1 on the calendar right now…. But we do know that Hard Times specializes in satire

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