In which the Aussie band’s
bass player yarns of something worse than “Two Girls, One Cup.”
BY JON STOCKMAN
In the scheme of horrible, disgustingly soul-swallowing
things that I’ve witnessed in my short tenure as a sentient life form on this
planet, one thing stands out far above the rest. Unsurprisingly it was
something on the Internet that we all saw actually (all being the other guys in
the band), sometime during the recording of our last record. We were at a
studio in Perth called KingDom, happily recording a track called
“Deadman,” happily content in our ignorance of what some people will
do to get a cheap thrill (though in the end, if this guy didn’t have good
medical insurance, this would’ve been pretty fucking expensive!) Before you
jump the gun, this is not an anecdote about “Two Girls, One Cup” either; this
shit is way worse. It makes “Two Girls, One Cup” look like an advertisement for
Paddle Pop ice creams.
Anyway so I’m watching this footage, watching this guy place
a glass jar on the floor in preparation to try and gingerly squeeze the entire
vessel up his quaking ass and I have great fears about what’s going to happen,
and just like watching a train wreck, I can’t look away, none of us can. He
sits down on what looks like a used vegemite jar and starts to work his way
onto it and for some reason the buzz from the shitty microphone on the camera
that’s recording the whole thing has a strange hypnotic quality. A little
further down the jar and we’re still watching, still waiting and still
wondering, what could be so bad about this that it has such a bad reputation?
And then it happens. He’s nearly gotten the entire vessel in
his bum when there’s this horrible crack of breaking glass, amplified slightly
by the complete lack of noise prior to that (bar the hum) and we all wince in
synchronised agony. Just to make sure, we scroll back to the shatter point and
watch again as his whole body convulses in unison with the sound of shards of
glass burying themselves deep within his colon. I’m pretty sure at that moment
there was deafening silence in the control room as we all stared at each other
with our gaping mouths as widely open as they could possibly stretch. Which I
might add is only slightly less than the dude’s ass was capable of.
As if that shit isn’t enough, he then goes into
panic/self-surgery mode and starts to ‘operate’ on his anal problem. Extending
a couple of fingers up his ass, he widens his ring and starts to excavate
shards of glass an inch and a half in diameter from within his ass cavity. He
keeps doing this for the next 2 or 3 minutes of the video as a puddle of blood
collects on the floor beneath his collapsed anus. Think of the sound of maple
syrup being dripped onto vinyl from a great height. At this point, I can’t
believe we’re still watching, the sounds of glass rubbing against glass with
each plunge of his hand is taking years off my life and all the while we still
can’t look away.
This is without a doubt the sickest, most depraved thing
I’ve ever seen in my life. You know that saying that there’s nothing you can’t
imagine that someone hasn’t already done? Well that also applies for things
that you haven’t thought of yet. I’m still wondering around this point whether
things actually went to plan for this guy or whether he has exhibited epic
failure, because he hasn’t screamed or made a sound the entire time.
Finally, he stands up and fucks off, leaving a puddle of
blood and glass as the only evidence he was there at all. Well not the only
evidence. The memory of the ordeal is clawing to my brain just like the glass
was to his rectum wall. The last thing we hear is him finally screaming;
obviously, he couldn’t contain it forever.
Fuck me, sometimes it’s better not to know what can go on
behind closed doors. I’ve seen some fucked up things on the internet before but
nothing this severe. This particular footage was eloquently entitled “One Man,
One Jar.” It had such a lasting effect on me that it actually redefined my
chronological time line. I no longer think of things in terms of, “oh yeah that
was just after I left school” or “that was just before my 21st birthday”. Now
everything is in terms of before One Man One Jar, or after One Man One Jar. In
fact, it’s either Before Jar or After Jar (BJ or AJ). Right now I am in the
So yeah, don’t watch it, I’ve spared you the curiosity,
hopefully, of actually watching it yourself. I really can’t stress it enough,
don’t watch this video. Whatever you do, don’t watch this video. I think it was
one of the guys from Dead Letter Circus that sent through the link. Thanks for
ruining my life, Rob.
Karnivool is a five-piece alternative
rock/progressive metal music group from Perth.
The band’s most recent album is Sound Awake, and they just completed a high-profile U.S. tour. Check ‘em out at their official website.