In which the comedian
tells the story of Mona Lisa’s Vertical Smile.
BY GLENN WOOL
I got pulled over in Indonesia by customs agents. I had
a bunch of cards announcing my album release. They swabbed my hands and said
they found cocaine on them, which is bullshit.
I was comin’ from Australia,
so even if I had purchased cocaine, you wouldn’t have found cocaine on my
hands. You would’ve found baby powder and somebody wishin’ somethin’ was true.
You don’t get real coke in Australia.
So they’re lookin’ through all my shit and they found these
cards with my picture on it and they go, “What is this for?” I told them I had
an album comin’ out and they said, “Well, sing us some songs.”
I told them it’s not that kinda album; I tell jokes. So they
said I should tell ‘em some. And the only jokes in my head, ‘cause I’m
self-destructive as fuck, were all my drug jokes. My brain wouldn’t let me just
tell ‘em a nice joke. Oh, Brain. Fuck you.
So I looked at ‘em and went [singing], “All of my love! All
of my kissin’! You don’t know what you’ve been a-missin’, oh boy!”
Here’s the deal: They went through all my stuff and I was
like, okay… I’m free to go. Then I stand up and they’re like, “Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!”
I’m like, “What do you mean?”
“We haven’t looked everywhere.”
Oh, dude. And then
they took me into a smaller room than I was in before and there’s three dudes
in there. They strip me down, and one of ‘em lubes up his fingers – which is never a good start to a story – Well, depending on the kinda life you lead,
it could be.
He’s checkin’ beside my balls, and then he goes, “Bend
I gave the wryest little smile because I remembered
something. He caught the smile and he just went, “…No. Just let him go.”
He couldn’t fathom what was in my ass that it made me give him that Mona Lisa smile.
What had happened was, on the flight from Australia, I
had wiped by thumb and a worm had come out. So I knew that I had worms. And I
hadn’t had a chance to go see a doctor or anything. Just from that little smile
– “Oh you gotta look up there, do
ya?” – the dude let me go.
There’s a little trick for anybody that’s thinkin’ of
getting into the smuggling trade. Worms.
And a cheeky smile.
And then, like a prick, I went to the doctor in Singapore.
These worms stopped me from getting anally molested in Indonesia, and the first thing I
did was kill ‘em all. It was very
Machiavellian, I thought. You’ve served your purpose, worms. Now die.
Glenn Wool is a Canadian comedian based in the UK. His CD/DVD Let Your Hands Go is
chock fulla belly laughs and it’s out now on Stand Up! Records. Check him
out at www.glennwool.com
GLENN WOOL – LIVE IN TOOMLER, AMSTERDAM