THE GOODS: POST-XMAS EDITION, 2010

In which Blurt gives you a few good ideas for exchange
items and gift card pick-ups.

 

BY RANDY HARWARD

 

‘Tis better to give than to receive, yeah. But if we’re
bein’ honest here? Loot kicks booty. Everybody likes to re-up their worldly
possessions, and there’s nothing like getting lost in brand-new somethings to make
you forget the stress of maxing out the credit cards on behalf of everybody
else.

 

You know what’s even better? When you wind up with a cache
of unwanted gifts, gift cards and card-ensconced granny bucks that’s just
blazin’ a hole in your pocket. That’s what Blurt‘s
here to bend your ear about. Forget holiday gift guides: Here’s a pile of ideas
on how to parlay the unwanteds, plasti-cash and crisp two-dollar bills into an
onanistic orgy of materialism-and, again with the honesty: flat-out ignorance
of the current economic clime.

 

 

Borderlands: Game of the Year Edition ($59.99)

www.2Kgames.com

Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare ($59.99)

www.rockstargames.com

Call of Duty: Black Ops ($59.99)

Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock ($59.99)

www.activision.com

 

Nothing says lazy consumerist American like sitting one’s
fat ass on the form-fitting recess of the couch and pretending to be heroes in
a computer-rendered alternate reality. Not that there’s anything wrong with
video games; we’re just getting into the real post-holiday spirit, here.

            The Mad Max-y first-person shooter/role-player amalgam Borderlands originally
debuted in 2009 and has since sold a bazillion copies. A staggering amount,
yup, and  enough to justify a ‘Game of
the Year’ edition, which bundles the main game along with its four downloadable
packs: ‘The Zombie Island of Dr. Ned’, ‘Mad Moxxi’s Underdome Riot’ ‘The Secret
Armory of General Knoxx’ and ‘Claptrap’s New Robot Revolution’. As if the
original game-which is hilarious, action-packed, has replay value up the wazoo,
and appeals to the loot goon in us all-wasn’t enough. Er… actually… once you
get hooked on the game ((((and you will)))), it’s not hardly enough. Blurt hereby openly lusts for a sequel.

            Red Dead Redemption: Undead Nightmare is a similar suite, packaging its own titular zombie story into its dusty,
bloody western world, along with the ‘Legends and Killers Pack’ and ‘Liars and
Cheats’ pack. The difference here is that Undead
Nightmare
is a standalone game-you don’t need the original Red Dead Redemption to play these
stories, although you’ll want RDR
just the same.

            Although Call
of Duty: Black Ops
was likely on many Christmas lists, and was easy
enough to procure, Blurt has to call
it out as the most palatable of the war-mongering games. Strictly speaking, the
franchise held little appeal for some of us until it added-yup, zombies-and we
realized the irony that grandchildren of the Commie-averse would be in the next
room playing as a Soviet Spetsnaz soldier named Nikolai. Now we’re addicted.

 

 

 

            Just when
we thought we’d had enough of the Guitar
Hero
and Rock Band franchises,
along came Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock. Although there’s not much new here, except a weak fantasy story,
its setlist is the strongest and most diverse yet, mixing the ubiquitous
classic rock tracks with indie rock, 90s alt-rock, and radio cheese. Big-ups
for finally putting Night Ranger’s “(You Can Still) Rock In America” on it,
thereby reviving the game’s party-drunk charm. Alas, they didn’t build a way to
perform the eight-finger tapping technique on the plastic version of the
aluminum Swiss cheese guitar, and there are no zombies (just the voice of Gene
Simmons, who looks like the Zombie Bea Arthur, as the voice of the Demi-God).  

 

 

Toubab Brewe

www.craggiebrewingco.com

www.myspace.com/toubabkrewe

 

Toubab Krewe, one of North Carolina’s most creative and
interesting bands inspired their local brewer of fine beers, Craggie, to create
this ambrosial beverage. According the brewery, TB comes by its crisp, malty,
slightly hoppy flavor when “Organic Munich and Pilsen malts are bittered with
Organic Hallertau Tradition.” We don’t know what that means, but will attest
before God and whatever other deities oversee beer that Toubab Brewe is
flat-out delicious, a beer you’ll savor as much as swill.

 

 

DVDs!

 

The Sinful Dwarf ($29.98)

Santa Sangre ($29.98)

Screwballs and Loose Screws:
Screwballs II
($19.98 ea.)

Hardware: Two-Disc Limited Edition ($29.98)

Stone ($19.98)

Bloody Moon ($19.98)

The Beast In Space ($29.98)

www.severinfilms.com

 

It’s hard to ask mom and dad for some of the movies Severin
Films releases-what’s more, it’s hard to ask your wife. They range from
softcore porn to bloody disgusting horror films to outright sleaze, like The Sinful Dwarf. Of course Blurt wholeheartedly endorses all of the
above, and if we’re gonna recommend you buy DVDs with your post-Xmas barter-ables
and gift cards, we’re not gonna steer you toward major-studio stinkers. With
Severin Films you get the gamut: cult horror (Jesus Franco’s Bloody Moon), indie weirdness (Alejandro
Jodorowsky’s Santa Sangre), 1980s
tits-and-ass comedies (Screwballs and
Loose Screws), Ozploitation biker
films (Stone) and far-out science
fiction (Hardware). All of the films
are lovingly and painstakingly transferred to DVD and Blu-Ray format, and
beautifully packaged in versions that will satisfy collectors of films you
don’t watch in mixed company.

 




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