RELAXED FIT WAX

Everybody wants their
own singles series: here, have ours.

 

BY RANDY HARWARD

 

Corporations know if you wanna reach the kiddies you have to
speak their language. That’s why you see branded “custom” music mags in shoe
stores and an element of impotent mainstream hip-hop in every cartoon or
commercial. Alas, moneymakers are always quick to embrace bullshit and
perennially late to everything truly cool, yet some of them have enough young
upstart veeps in the boardroom now that indie rock is getting its chance in the
rock n’ roll commoditization sweeps.

 

Recently Levi’s unveiled Levi’s
Pioneer Sessions
, a series of 7″ singles where a safe mixture of credible
artists (The Shins, The Roots, Dirty Projectors) with bullshit (Nas, Colbie
Caillat, Jason Mraz) cover songs by Squeeze, Candi Staton, Bob Dylan, Blondie,
Slick Rick and more! Despite the
50-50 safe-to-cool ‘nuff roster, it’s a cool concept what with the A-side featuring
the tribute and the B-side the original-and almost all of the tunes are obvious
choices. Whatever happened to corporate meddling? Shouldn’t they have Justin
Bieber reaching into the Wayback Machine for a lost Mraz nugget? What is this
world coming to?

 

Apparently the only salient self-query with respect to
buying/not buying the Levi’s singles is, “Do these jams make my ass look phat?”
If the answer is yes, maybe you should buy some jeans. In that spirit, BLURT
would like to offer would-be corporate marketers some would-be marketing ideas.
No purchase necessary.

 

***

 

General Mills’ “So-Real
Cereal Pre-Me-Yums 7″ Series”

———————

Titles: “Lucky
Charms (They’re Always After Me)” – Daniel Johnston / “I Pissed In Your
Cheerios (Remember the Alamo!)” – Ozzy
Osbourne / “Trix Are For Publicity” – Lady GaGa

Type of wax: Marbled
flexi-discs made to resemble swirled Trix or Lucky Charms marshmallows.

 

 

Taco Bell’s “Fourth Meal Music Deal”

———————

Titles: “Beans,
Beans Musical Fruit” – The Gossip / “Of Up and Coming Volcano Tacos” – David
Bazan / “No Purch-azz Nuhzuhzurry” – Ja Rule / “I and Fart and Ed” – Avett
Brothers

Type of wax: Tortilla-shaped,
off-white with brown spots. Limited editions deep-fried and dusted with
cinnamon sugar. 

 

 

“The Home Depot Music
Project”

———————

Titles: “Do It
Your Fuckin’ Self” – Sex Pistols / “He Bashes the Thumb” – Stone Roses / “(If
It Ain’t Fixed) You Can Probably Still Break It” – Hank III / “Up In ‘Dem
Gutters” – Zach Galifianakis

Type of wax: Melamine
slip-cover, drywall putty disc.

 

 

Wham-O’s “Fly Discs
and Fris-B-Sides”

———————

Titles: “Anhyzer Busch” – Bad Wizard / “That
Dude Snagged the ‘Bee!” – Sublime with Rome
/ “Little Help?” – Death Cab for Cutie / “People Who Play Frisbee Golf Are
Dicks” – Wilco

Type of wax: Glow-in-the dark, flying vinyl-so if it sucks, you can toss it on the roof.

 

 

IKEA’S “Sömethïng Swëdïsh
Thïs Wäy Cömës”

———————

Titles: “If I Can’t
Get This Fucking Thing Together, Neither C’n You (Twät)” – Andy Partridge /
“Slot A Into Slut B” – Melvins / “Post-Post-Modern (((Functionality)))” – Paul
Oakenfold

Type of wax: Incomprehensible
picture discs.

 

 

Whole Foods: “Hummus
A Tune”

———————

Titles: “Regular,
Regular” – Señor Coconut / “Tofu Valkyrie” – The Sword / “Tastes Like Bark” –
Dr. Dog / “Natural Nachos” – Jack Johnson

Type of wax: Organic,
no-preservatives, limited-edition has short shelf life and is may be riddled
with insects.

 

 

Wal-Mart

———————

Titles: “Compulsory
Jingle #1” – Miley Cyrus / “Compulsory Jingle #2” – Jonas Brothers /
“Compulsory Jingle #3” – Justin Bieber / “Compulsory Jingle #4” – Eagles

Type of wax: Black
smiley face on cheap yellow wax.

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