Reed + Metallica) x (White + ICP) = WTF2

Pondering unlikely
pairs and conjuring a few of our own.

 

BY RANDY HARWARD

 

In all honesty, I didn’t listen to more than a 30-second
clip of Lou Reed and Metallica’s much-hyped/much-maligned collaboration last
year, Lulu. That’s hardly enough to
make an informed critique – but I know 30 seconds of stank when I hear it.

 

Spoken word and Metallica just don’t jibe – it sounds like a
father reciting poetry over his kid’s music in a panicked attempt to scare the cat out of the cradle. And Reed’s
calling it “the best thing I ever did” with “the best band I could find.” Seriously? You do recall the Velvet
Underground, Lou? Or Transformer?
There’s just no way.

 

Christ, could it actually be more off-putting than Jack
White and Insane Clown Posse (with JEFF the Brotherhood) covering Mozart’s
“Leck Mich Im Arsch?
” (For those who don’t sprechen, this supposedly translated to “lick me in the ass.”) The joke tried too hard.
Even if ICP was just the trash-kitschy centerpiece, that’s probably just a greeting in Juggalo parlance. It would’ve
been nice to give at least a taste of
irony and recruit a socially-conscious rapper like Common for this gig. At
least they got the B-side – “Mountain Girl” – right. Violent J and Shaggy 2
Dope tell a twangy talk-sing story about a meth-head hillbilly and a shotgun
wedding. That’s right on the money, and likely will be the new Juggalo
prom/wedding/funeral song. (Meanwhile, White has a new solo album, Blunderbuss, due in April, and all signs
point to it being one of the still-early year’s best bets.)

 

Here are few musical unions that might actually be crazy
enough to work.

 

 

Dwarves and Taylor
Swift

Performing: Swift’s “Should’ve Said No”

Because: They say she’s fearless – let’s test that. How does
the ol’ girl hold up against these legendary pervs and their bloody
dwarf-and-lesbian entourage?

 

AC/DC’s Brian Johnson
and Adele

Performing: “Endless Love”

Because: If Adele keeps smoking like a champ, she may
someday achieve a scratch that could match Johnson’s sodomized-kitty yowl.
Ponder the two levels of harmony, here: pitch and rasp. It’d be the new Tuvan
throat singing!

 

Beethoven and Marlee
Matlin

Performing: “Ode to Joy,” with lyrics by Diddy

Because: The juxtaposition of sweet, lilting melodies with
avant-garde vocals and the poetry of a fuckwit. No-brainer.

 

Johnette Napolitano
and United States Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano

Performing: “That’s Not My Name” by The Ting-Tings

Because: It would dispel the ubiquitous blogosphere rumor
that they’re the same person.

 

Lady Gaga and Freddie
Mercury

Performing: “The Great Pretender”

Because: One is a flamboyant queen and the other is a dude.

 

Ted Nugent and Los
Lobos

Performing: “Born in the U.S.A./Born in East
L.A.”

Because: This medley would probably only happen with a court
order. But it’s a fun idea, especially if Los Lobos dressed like cholos to make
Nuge extra nervous. Speakin’ of…

 

Ted Nugent and Antony Hegarty

Performing: “Ebony and Ivory”

Because: Oh, the chemistry! Pale, sensitive, intelligent Antony and a hairy a-hole
who knows ebony as the stuff at the end of his rifle stock and ivory as the
tusk around his neck.

 

Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber

Performing: “We Go Together” from Grease

Because: Wouldn’t everyone want to see two nothings trying
to make something of their future drug-addled, VH-1 Celebreality selves?

 

Tom Petty and Nashville Pussy

Performing: Original collaborative material

Because: He seems so mellow – so you know Petty’s a freak.
Pair him with some unabashedly loud and twisted folks that share just a yard of
musical common ground and it’ll be tons better than Loutallica.

 

 

A version of this
article originally appeared in BLURT #11.

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