pairs and conjuring a few of our own.
BY RANDY HARWARD
In all honesty, I didn’t listen to more than a 30-second
clip of Lou Reed and Metallica’s much-hyped/much-maligned collaboration last
year, Lulu. That’s hardly enough to
make an informed critique – but I know 30 seconds of stank when I hear it.
Spoken word and Metallica just don’t jibe – it sounds like a
father reciting poetry over his kid’s music in a panicked attempt to scare the cat out of the cradle. And Reed’s
calling it “the best thing I ever did” with “the best band I could find.” Seriously? You do recall the Velvet
Underground, Lou? Or Transformer?
There’s just no way.
Christ, could it actually be more off-putting than Jack
White and Insane Clown Posse (with JEFF the Brotherhood) covering Mozart’s
“Leck Mich Im Arsch?” (For those who don’t sprechen, this supposedly translated to “lick me in the ass.”) The joke tried too hard.
Even if ICP was just the trash-kitschy centerpiece, that’s probably just a greeting in Juggalo parlance. It would’ve
been nice to give at least a taste of
irony and recruit a socially-conscious rapper like Common for this gig. At
least they got the B-side – “Mountain Girl” – right. Violent J and Shaggy 2
Dope tell a twangy talk-sing story about a meth-head hillbilly and a shotgun
wedding. That’s right on the money, and likely will be the new Juggalo
prom/wedding/funeral song. (Meanwhile, White has a new solo album, Blunderbuss, due in April, and all signs
point to it being one of the still-early year’s best bets.)
Here are few musical unions that might actually be crazy
enough to work.
Dwarves and Taylor
Performing: Swift’s “Should’ve Said No”
Because: They say she’s fearless – let’s test that. How does
the ol’ girl hold up against these legendary pervs and their bloody
AC/DC’s Brian Johnson
Performing: “Endless Love”
Because: If Adele keeps smoking like a champ, she may
someday achieve a scratch that could match Johnson’s sodomized-kitty yowl.
Ponder the two levels of harmony, here: pitch and rasp. It’d be the new Tuvan
Beethoven and Marlee
Performing: “Ode to Joy,” with lyrics by Diddy
Because: The juxtaposition of sweet, lilting melodies with
avant-garde vocals and the poetry of a fuckwit. No-brainer.
and United States Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano
Performing: “That’s Not My Name” by The Ting-Tings
Because: It would dispel the ubiquitous blogosphere rumor
that they’re the same person.
Lady Gaga and Freddie
Performing: “The Great Pretender”
Because: One is a flamboyant queen and the other is a dude.
Ted Nugent and Los
Performing: “Born in the U.S.A./Born in East
Because: This medley would probably only happen with a court
order. But it’s a fun idea, especially if Los Lobos dressed like cholos to make
Nuge extra nervous. Speakin’ of…
Ted Nugent and Antony Hegarty
Performing: “Ebony and Ivory”
Because: Oh, the chemistry! Pale, sensitive, intelligent Antony and a hairy a-hole
who knows ebony as the stuff at the end of his rifle stock and ivory as the
tusk around his neck.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber
Performing: “We Go Together” from Grease
Because: Wouldn’t everyone want to see two nothings trying
to make something of their future drug-addled, VH-1 Celebreality selves?
Tom Petty and Nashville Pussy
Performing: Original collaborative material
Because: He seems so mellow – so you know Petty’s a freak.
Pair him with some unabashedly loud and twisted folks that share just a yard of
musical common ground and it’ll be tons better than Loutallica.
A version of this
article originally appeared in BLURT #11.