“Product envy”—or, as we like to think, a buncha stuff you want… from a buncha folks who, full disclosure, have NEVER advertised with us. We’re willing to work on that latter portion, however.
BY RANDY HARWARD
1) Smiling Next To You
Remee Lucid Dreaming Sleep Mask ($95)
You know that recurring dream where you and Diana Ross circa The Wiz are in a cabin doin’ the nasty, then Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th breaks in with a machete, threatening to end the festivities? Now you can have that dream every night, thanks to The Remee lucid dreaming sleep mask. The lightweight, comfortable Remee triggers flashing red lights when you’re in REM sleep. After some practice and settings-tweaks, you recognize the lights during dreams and be in full control of your dreams. See you soon, Ms. Ross.
2) Are We Not Graven?
Devo Throbblehead ($25)
This is one of our favorites from the Aggronautix throbblehead line. Probably because it’s not meant to resemble any particular band member. It’s just a nameless Energy Dome Guy, a nod to the band’s concept of de-evolution. And what better polyresin calf to genuflect to, than one representing an idea instead of an individual? Now shameless, greedy, slavish geeks can pretend to be deep. Devo’s “Nacho Libre Jihad Gerry (Casale)” says, “[The Devo throbblehead is] seven perfect inches for you!”
3) One Person’s Crap Is Another’s Candy Bar
The Rambler ($24)
You can get this movie for four big ones on Amazon at the time of this writing. Some might call it a waste of money. Fans of cult/bad/psychotronic/grindhouse cinema will love it for what it is: a diamond ensconced in a turd.
Ink Armor by Tat2X ($13-16 per sleeve)
So your tattoo is putting a kink in your job search. Laser removal isn’t an option—but gainful employment trumps looking cool on the hierarchy of needs. Well, Tat2X’s Ink Armor sleeves are available in full sleeves and half-sleeves, as well as calf sizes. They’re comfortable, they come in a variety of colors/sizes, and block harmful UV rays. More importantly, they’ll increase your chances of getting paid. Maybe.
My Prison Walls by G.G. Allin ($50)
If someone offers you a peek inside the mind of notorious punk rock filth frolicker G.G. Allin, take it. You might be a little fucked up afterward, but even society’s most twisted minds have something to offer. Even if it’s just a cringe or eleven. Limited to 2500 copies—no reprints, ever! [Note: feel free to email BLURT and inquire about the editor’s personal encounters with the late Allin during the late ‘80s. While that is in no way to be construed as anything other than “musical” and “conversational,” said encounters do contain a definite NSFW quality which we won’t get into here.]
Cineskates Pro ($150)
In filmmaking, when you’re starting out, it helps to know people. Especially people with gear. Next to cameras and lights, something like a dolly track system is nice to have. These can get expensive, so the Cineskates Pro from Cinetics is a godsend. True to its name, the Cineskates Pro is like a skateboard with a camera mount that enables tracking, panning and arcing shots at a fraction of the price. It’s also easier to lug around – lighter and more compact. Check out the demo footage online, and have a look at the accessories. You’ll be amazed at the possibilities Cinetics gear provides.
7) Everybody Loves Rayman
Rayman Legends (Xbox 360) ($60)
Each new Rayman game is more visually stunning and immersive than the last, and provides a challenging gaming experience. Rayman Legends ups the ante in every category. It’s deep, hugely entertaining, funny and has big replay value. The levels are imaginative and gorgeously rendered; the music (including a jam by Incubus’ Jose Pasillas II and Dirk Lance, with Jurassic 5’s DJ Nu-Mark and Pharcyde’s MC Slimkid3) is once again matchless. And, as with all Rayman games, the levels are difficult but not vexing. Here’s to many “wasted” hours.
8) Your New Old Pet Band
Bloodkin, One Long Hustle ($50)
This hot little number contains eighty-eight songs spanning the twenty-five year career of a band you probably never heard about, but should’ve. A feast of memorable, immersive songs and guitar grit, it’s a steal at fifty bucks. And you can claim you’ve been into Bloodkin all along.
Check out our print issue #14 (Jason Isbell cover) for the hard copy version of this installment of Senior Editor Harward’s long-running “The Goods” series. Go here to read the previous column.