THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I’VE EVER SEEN: Nadine Shah

Nadine Shah

You’re about to enter a world of pain. Since BLURT launched in 2008 we’ve asked musicians, comedians and authors to write about their most outrageous stories. They’ve really delivered the gross-eries – we have sex, scat, puke, violence and heart-wrenching tragedy among almost three dozen columns at BlurtOnline.com and in this magazine. What follows is another true story chronicling seriously fucked-up events. It might make you laugh; it might make you cringe; it might make you puke. Grab a bucket; it’s about to get weird. —As told to Senior Editor Randy Harward

  THE SOUND OF ONE DOG PANTING

 BY NADINE SHAH

 I was driving from a gig with my friend in the far east of Turkey a few years ago, when the car started making some huge thumping noises. It finally ground to a halt around 10:00 at night in a petrol station.

 After a little running around we managed to get it to a local garage, and found somebody who spoke English to translate for us. The good news was he could fix the car, but the bad news was he couldn’t do it to until the following morning. We didn’t have enough money to get the car fixed and get a hotel for the night, so the mechanic said we could sleep in the garage overnight to save money.

 He took us upstairs and showed us two pretty dilapidated sofas we could sleep on, and gave us a blanket each. Then the night guard came in. He was about 60 years old and 6-foot-5, with a few missing teeth and a lazy eye. He also had a large German Shepherd, and a shotgun.

 We were told he was going to stay with us as well, to make sure no wild dogs got in and the place was safe. He didn’t speak any English, so the three of us just sat there in silence drinking a large whiskey. I needed one if I was going to get any sleep in this place! We curled up to go to sleep on our different sofas, and I slowly drifted off.

 Dog

I woke a few hours later to a heavy panting sound, I gingerly opened my eyes, scared of what I was going to see, but thankfully the guard was still asleep in the easy chair opposite. His dog wasn’t, however. The German Shepherd was up on my friend’s face, gently humping away, panting and all. His lipstick was out and just rubbing on his face, but my friend was still fast asleep.

 Now it’s difficult to know what to do in this situation. Obviously I wanted to stop it, but disturbing a large German Shepherd mid-mating really didn’t seem like a good idea. Especially when his owner was 10 feet away with a shotgun. I was trying to figure out what to do when with one final large pant, he was finished. The German Shepherd climbed off my friend and curled up for the night, with a pretty content look on his face.

 I also saw a video of a snake that had been decapitated today. The decapitated head turned and bit its own detached body. Meh…

 British singer-songwriter Nadine Shah’s debut album Love Your Dum and Mad is out now on R&S/Apollo Records

Leave a Reply