THE MOST FUCKED UP THING I’VE EVER SEEN Donovan Woods

Donovan Woods 2

You’re about to enter a world of pain. Since BLURT launched in 2008 we’ve asked musicians, comedians and authors to write about their most outrageous stories. They’ve really delivered the gross-eries – we have sex, scat, puke, violence and heart-wrenching tragedy among almost three dozen columns at BlurtOnline.com and in this magazine. What follows is another true story chronicling seriously fucked-up events. It might make you laugh; it might make you cringe; it might make you puke. Grab a bucket; it’s about to get weird. —As told to Senior Editor Randy Harward

 RAINY DAY PEOPLE DON’T TALK; THEY JUST LISTEN ‘TIL THEY’VE HEARD IT ALL

 BY DONOVAN WOODS

 I was in a subway station in New York, standing, waiting for my buddy when I saw a guy (I’m assuming he was a homeless guy, but I don’t know) do a crazy thing. A thing I had never even considered happening even once.

 The man stood overlooking an escalator which was going down. He took his penis out of his jeans, rested it on top of the ledge and began to urinate down onto the bottom end of the escalator.

 There were a number of people who’d just gotten on this rather long escalator, and suddenly they were all slowly, steadily descending towards a stream of hot urine. Many of the people noticed the piss immediately, and, as though this happened all the time, turned and calmly began heading back up the escalator. Their faces hardly changed, though they took big strides to make progress. Five or six folks though, were engrossed in their own conversations or just weren’t paying attention and were still moving towards the piss stream.

 I kept thinking this guy’s gonna run out of pee and it’s going to be fine. But he just kept pissing. It went on for so long (seconds, but it seemed like minutes). I had to do something. I started to move toward the escalator to yell, but another guy, a classic New York loud-talking guy, beat me to it.

 He said, “Hey! There’s piss! The guy is PISSING! HELLO! TURN AROUND! HEY!” They heard him. Everyone heard him. Even a lady wearing headphones heard him. They gasped and turned and started frantically running up the escalator.

 An older lady in front was so close to the piss I thought it was too late – but she made it. A guy turned and picked her up so she could get off at the top. She didn’t get pissed on. Nobody did. A triumph of the human spirit.

 Then the loud-talking New York guy started to yell at the crazy pissing guy. He was strangely succinct, and thoughtful in his word choice, as though he’d been trained for this very situation. “Hey man! What are you doing, man?! You can’t do that! Okay?! You can’t piss down there like that, you’re gonna piss on people! That’s rude, man! It’s fucking rude! Do what you want, but don’t piss down there like that! Don’t!

 Such an American berating! I loved it. The pissing guy took this in pensively. It felt as though he was really considering that this may have been wrong, even for him. He’d realized he’d crossed a line, I guess. He put his dick away, did the “Okay, sorry, sorry” hands and walked away.

 All the people talked to each other about the pissing and how close they’d been to it. The hero New Yorker just put his headphones back on and walked over to the trains. My friend showed up and I told him but he didn’t believe me, so I showed him the piss on the escalator stairs which were now cycling around back up to the top and down again, people walking on it, because they’d just arrived and didn’t know that a crazy guy had pissed everywhere moments ago. Life went on, but what a blessing to have seen that.

 Photo credit: Mark Peckmezia. Canadian Donovan Woods released Don’t Get Too Grand on Aporia Records last summer. It’s fuckin’ great, man. Okay?!

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