COBRA VERDE, PUTA MADRE: Sundance Festival

Blurt’s
sleuthy sources dish on Sundance 2009 buzz flicks.

By
RANDY HARWARD

It’s
January in Salt Lake City, Utah. Wafting off the Wasatch Mountains,
from a crevice called Parley’s Canyon that leads to Park City, is an enticing
bouquet of hope, desperation, delusion and pretension… or maybe it’s just AxeTM body spray and swag bag perfume samples. It’s time again for the Sundance Film
Festival, a veritable three-ring circus of the stars, where films are made and
broken, and stiff smiles and firm handshakes-in even firmer, newly purchased
ski gloves-are exchanged. Here’s a peek at what Blurt‘s shadowy
sources say will be the talk of Park
City.

Cobra
Verde, Puta Madre

Quentin
Tarantino presents this grindhouse-meets-arthouse film in which Klaus Kinski
and Cheech Marin play an odd couple who run a temp staffing agency as a front
for their private investigation business. When a tile setter goes rogue and
starts taking side jobs, Kinski and Marin set out to teach the fucker a lesson,
only to learn a little something themselves-from a Zen Dadaist who calls
himself The Last Slice of Pizza. (R, 87 minutes, dir: Werner Jodorowsky)

Anything
is Popsicle

A
young music blogger with a Jew-fro (Napoleon Dynamite‘s Jon
Heder) gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance to write a cover story for a national
magazine but clashes with his editor, who requests numerous rewrites and
refuses to let the young scribe use his affliction-malapropism-as an excuse. A
subplot follows a mother-daughter rock crit/groupie team that gets interviews
via unscrupulous front-row slurping. (R, 101 minutes, dir: Charlie Kaufman)

Excreted

From
the producers of An American Carol and Expelled comes a film
about how we all came from Ben Stein’s droning anus. (PG-13, 61 minutes, dir:
Alan Smithee)

Itty
Bitty Titty Kumite

Loosely
based on Joe R.
Lansdale’s
short story The Pit. Four flat-chested barely-legals
and their chaperone (Kate Hudson) on a post-high school trip to Alabama take a wrong
turn and are abducted by a snake-handling preacher who forces them to fight
each other in underground, to-the-death cage matches. Hudson falls for a toothless Cajun with
literary aspirations while the girls come to grips with their heterosexuality.
(R, 89 minutes, dir: Harmony Korine)

Our
Band Could Fuck Your Wife… If You Enroll In Our Super Special VIP Fan Club

Exploring
the phenomenon of VIP fan clubs, in which fans pay money for the privilege to
pay even more money for VIP ticket packages, worthless tchotchkes and
maybe/maybe-not backstage meet-and-greets. It doesn’t stop there: Our Band…reveals
that some artists-such as kabuki-rockers KISS-plan to take the fleecing to
ridiculous levels. (NC-17, 78 minutes, dir: Miranda Azerrad-Meltzer)

Doll
Farts: The Ringer 2

Penniless
and even more desperate, Courtney Love (Courtney Love) blows an appellate court
judge and wins the right to replace Kurt Cobain (played in flashbacks by Kurt
Cobain’s exhumed skeleton) in Nirvana. Remaining members Dave Grohl (Aziz
Ansari) and Krist Novoselic (Aaron Eckhart) figure “fuck it” and allow the
hijinks to ensue, hoping that by the end of the band’s second meteoric rise to
fame, Love will blow her head off, too. (R, 114 minutes, dir: Benjamin
Silverman for Reveille Productions)

Pop
Rocks

Popstar
puppy mill Disney answers Before
the Music Dies
with an apologist documentary about the New Bubblegum,
the cloying yet flavorless style of pop music where a pretty face is all you need.
Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers and Demi Lovato argue for the fair use of
Auto-Tune
, with Cyrus paraphrasing the famous Elvis quote about her
McMusic: “Like, 50 billion Cyrus fans can’t all be tone-deaf.”

Each screening to be preceded by the short film Hannah Mantegna, in which character actor Joe
Mantegna plays a cross-dressing tribute performer with a stutter. (PG, 90
minutes, dir: Walt Disney’s frozen head)

Wigger

Melvin
Van Peebles (Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song) directs this tale of a
twenty-year-old, rail-thin, albino Jiffy Lube employee in suburban Utah that experiences a
downward spiral when his rims are stolen from his Datsun B210 Wagon, his own
mother calls him a wigger and kicks his ass, and Soulja Boy’s career tanks.
(Unrated, 79 minutes, dir: Melvin Van Peebles)

Just
a Juggalo

The
tagline for this horror show is “They’re dumb… and they’ve come (for
handouts).” Forget Jimmy Buffett’s “Parrotheads” and David Archuleta’s
“Archies”: Insane Clown Posse’s “Juggalos” are most devoted (and retarded) fans
of all-and they’re breeding. Juggalo Julz (The Sopranos’ Aida
Turturro) is a heavyweight Juggalette [Editor’s Note: Redundancy?]
whose favorite pastime, other than being a Juggalo-is washing down Xanax with beer.
Julz discovers she’s pregnant on Valentine’s Day and delivers on Mother’s Day.
When the baby-named Annabelle Lotus after ICP side project Dark Lotus-dies
after only 13 minutes, she gives her “little Ninjette” an ICP-themed funeral… then blames the doctors and calls ICP’s
WFuckOff Radio to announce the news-and use it as
leverage when she complains about not receiving promised swag
. Based on a true story. Seriously… we couldn’t make this shit up.
(NC-17, 105 minutes, dir: Jorg Buttgereit)

Leave a Reply