BLURT'S SLIDE GUITAR CHALLENGE Scissormen

Axeman Ted Drozdowski
puts down his bottleneck and picks up… Well, you’ll get the idea….

 

By RANDY HARWARD

 

“It was probably good to take the dog turd off,” laughs the
Scissormen’s guitarist and frontguy Ted Drozdowski. While one sundried, dusty-white
lawn adornment was originally on a list of items Blurt challenged the slide guitar whiz to use on his instrument,
even we had to admit some items are in poor taste. Some.

 

We defied T-Droz to back up his reputation as what his fellow
esteemed rock crit Anthony DeCurtis calls “a guitarist of spellbinding
invention and intelligence.” When performing with the Scissormen, Drozdowski is
known to use audience-supplied items like shoes, straws, martini glasses, keys,
a lit blowtorch, full dinner plates, a machete, and a 9-mm pistol to coax
portentous moans and lowdown lamentations from his Telecaster. So while Droz
and his Nashvillian band of headcutters promote their third release, Luck In A Hurry (find it at www.Scissormen.com, and read our review HERE) we came
up with our own list of substitute slides and instructed our hero to wail on
film.

 

 

What film, you ask? Why, the one we’ve posted in our kiosk
of Blurt video exclusives. The one
with the Telecaster, the power tools, the sexy Roller Girl, and the all-American
flag. You can find it HERE.

 

***

 

Here’s what Droz had to say about each item when we called
to make the dare:

 

 

We’ll start with an
easy one: How ‘bout a bus or subway pole. Or, Plan B, a stripper pole?

 

Yeah. It might be hard to do here because there is such
terrible public transportation. No subways, and the buses run every hour or so
at best. But let’s check it out. Plan B...
Ah, alright! Maybe we can do some on location with that. There’s plenty of
strip clubs downtown.

 

 

A lit scented candle
that has been burning for at least an hour. No cinnamon or potpourri scented.

 

I’ve done that, actually. It might not have been scented,
but I’ve played with lit candles a lot. There’s a couple of ways to do it. You
can do it with the side, which gets a little messy if the reservoir breaks and
wax pours over the guitar. I’ve actually had to chip wax off the guitar after a
set when I’ve done that. Or you could use the candle holder. I’m not sure if
that’s cheating. As long as the candle is lit; I think that’s the crucial
thing. It has to be burning, doesn’t it?

 

 

Yeah, with enough
pooled wax to make it dangerous. Of course, we don’t want you to hurt
yourself-unless candle wax is your thing.

 

I don’t know. I’ve hurt myself much worse than that while
playing, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

 

 

Light bulb or ornamental
ball?

 

Light bulbs are easy. I’ve used light bulbs that are plugged
in and hanging over the stage, or over the bar. The only reason I haven’t done
it with a Christmas ornament is because there hasn’t been one handy. But it
hasn’t been for lack of Christmas spirit.

 

 

Cell phone, while
ringing on vibrate.

 

Oooh. That sounds awesome! I think that would be good. I’ve
used tons of cell phones to play with, and sometimes I’ve accidentally hit the
speed-dial and then handed it back to the owner. I don’t know how the
conversation went after that. But a cell phone set to vibrate sounds great. [A
few guys-Reeves Gabrels, Dave Navarro] actually played with a vibrator, set to vibrate.

 

 

Well, I have
something similar planned, but we’ll save that for last.

 

Okay.

 

 

Bong. Or a lava lamp,
if you’re sweatin’ the fuzz.

 

A bong! Okay. I think a bong or a lava lamp would both be
pretty easy-and both fun. I actually haven’t touched a bong in a while. That
doesn’t mean I haven’t smoked, it just means I haven’t touched a bong. This
would be a good opportunity to get reacquainted. [laughs]

 

 

Recently consumed
baby-back rib… Let’s say St. Louis
style.

 

Mmm-does it have to be St.
Louis style or can it just be dry rub?

 

 

Your preference.

 

Okay. Baby-back rib will work. I’m sure of that. We’ll get a
real nice one. I actually make really good baby-back ribs myself. Maybe I’ll
even grill my own… That way, it’s like start-to-finish.

 

 

Huge jawbreaker (or
gumball)?

 

Depends how big it is-it would have to be really big to get
the edge to balance on the strings.

 

 

20-lb dumbbell.

 

Most dumbbells I know weigh considerably more than that, but
I’ll see what I can do.

 

 

Razor scooter!

 

I’m sure a razor scooter would work. There are so many ways
to play slide with a scooter. You have the side of the frame. You could
actually flip it over and use the top of the frame. Some of the wheel hubs,
they pop out a little bit-you can use the edge on the high string or the low
string. You also have the handlebars and the shaft that comes straight up. I
think you can play slide with a razor scooter about five different ways.

 

 

You could use it like
a violin bow a la Jimmy Page…

 

I’ve always wanted to try that-and I never have. After you
see The Song Remains the Same.

 

 

I once saw a porno
that involved about eight ladies using power tools with very large, very atypical,
bits to coax sounds from each other. That reminded me of the big deal about Mr.
Big’s Paul Gilbert playing guitar with a power drill. So let’s combine the
two-your final item is a power drill with a dildo. Do you accept the challenge,
sir?

 

You know, the terrible this is I almost sure that’s been
done! I’m just guessing; I haven’t witnessed it. But I would guess that’s
probably been done. Don’t you think?

 

 

I don’t know… We
could check YouTube. Of course, something rubber won’t quite work.

 

Yeah, rubber ones deaden the strings so it’d have to be
either a plastic, a metal, or a glass one. We’ll see what local purveyors of
fine dildos have available.

 

 

Just to be sure we’re
totally original, let’s add one more variable: Said sex toy must also be wrapped
in a ribbed, non-lubricated, condom. For fun-certainly not practicality.

 

Ah… that probably will mute the strings. This is an experiment,
where we’ll have to bring our scientific acumen into play. We’re gonna see if
we can actually dress the dildo in this and, I’m assuming, because of the speed
of the rotation of the drill, it’s gonna shred against the wound strings-

 

 

Hell yeah-SHRED!

 

Exactly! We’ll be shreddin’ with a dildo. It’s gonna start
as noise and then become an actual slide tone. So this will possibly be the
first time this experiment has been conducted in the interest of both science
and music. So we’ll do it!

 

 

***

 

 

Droz, having accepted the challenge, said, “If I fail, I
will fail dramatically. However, I predict that I will triumph without any
shame.” Over the ensuing weeks, he procured the necessary supplies, and the
services of filmmakers James Houk and Glen Weiss – and the Nashville Rollergirls’ Lady Fury – to make this sweet little short at the Scissormen’s favorite haunt, Nashville’s
The Family Wash. “Considering I had a budget of zero dollars-life in the New
Depression-and knew zero filmmakers in Nashville,” said Droz upon turning in
his homework, “I nearly wet my pants with joy when we saw the edited version.”

 

It is an unqualified, utterly shameless, triumph-though Droz
does admit, just before firin’ up the dildo-drill, that “at the very least, our
pride’s gonna get wounded with this one.”

 

Fret not, sir: You are a true and potent genius.

 

CHECK OUT THE TRAILER FOR GLEN WEISS’S THONG GIRL 3:

 

 

 

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